Addicted to Complaining ?
I've noticed over the years of counseling others that some people begin each session with a complaint. They seem like they can't help it. They 're addicted to complaining like my mother.
Why are people complaining? What are they wanting or hoping for when they complain?
People who complain are generally people who have not worked emotionally and spiritually to develop a loving, compassionate inner adult self. They act as a wounded child in need of love, attention and compassion. Because they haven't learned to give themselves the attention and compassion that they need, they 're trying to meet the needs of others. Complaining is the way they've learned to try to get this. They use the complaint as a form of control, hoping to make others responsibles for giving them the attention, care and compassion they seek.
Complaints are a "pull" to other people. Energetically, the complainers are pulling others out for caring and understanding, because they've emotionally abandoned themselves. They 're like demanding little kids. The problem is that most people don't like being pulled on and demanded. Most people don't want the emotional responsibility of another person, and they're going to withdraw in the face of someone else's complaints.
This is exactly what my father did. He withdrew, shut down, was emotionally unavailable to my mother as a way to protect himself from being in control of her complaints. Of course, in response to my mother, he didn't just do this. He had learned to withdraw as a child in response to his own mother's complaints and criticisms. He entered into the marriage ready to withdraw in the face of the pull of my mother as she entered into the marriage ready to make my father emotionally responsible for her. This is a perfect match!
My dad's withdrawal, of course, only served to exacerbate my mom's complaint, and she constantly complained about my dad's lack of caring for her. Likewise, my mother's complaint has served to exacerbate my father's already withdrawn way of being. This vicious circle started early and continued untiringly for the 60 years of their marriage, until my mother died.
While my parents loved each other, their ability to express their love was buried beneath the dysfunctional system they created. Unfortunately, in relationships, this is all too common. One person with complaints, anger, judgment, and other forms of control, and the other with withdrawal, is the most common relationship system I work with.
A person addicted to complaining will not be able to stop complaining until he or she does the inner work of developing an adult part of himself or herself capable of giving himself or herself the love , care, understanding and compassion they need. As long as they believe that it is the responsibility of another to be an adult for them and to fill them with love, they will not assume this responsibility for themselves.
Our inner child, the feeling part of us, needs attention, approval, care. If we don't learn to give this to ourselves, then this wounded child part of us will either seek to get it from others, or learn to numb with substance and process addictions such as food, alcohol , drugs, TV, work, gambling, and so on. If, as a child, a person has seen others get attention by complaining, as my mother has done to my grandma. If complaining has worked for the child to get what he or she wants, then it can become an addiction.Like all addictions, it may work for the moment, but it will never satisfy the deep inner need for love. Only by opening our hearts to the Source of Love, we can fulfill this need for ourselves. Only we can do the inner work of developing a loving adult who is capable of opening himself to the love of the Spirit and bringing that love to the child within. People will stop complaining when they learn to fill themselves with love.
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